A losing battle

The heading says it all I think.

I'm at a place right now, where I'm just so depressed and so close to giving up (on life), I mean I'm losing nothing, I'm still 152, part of me hoped the scales have broken, but they haven't.

I need to lose the weight, I mean this isn't a matter of ''Oh I'll diet to lose a few pounds'' this is now a case of I HAVE TO DO IT!! I haven't reached any of my goals as I was supposed to, how do those other girls do it?

I've been on thinspiration blogs and it's giving me a bit of a boost, I must say.

I'm gonna keep at it, I read that you don't see results for about a week, is this true?

Anyway, armed with my hoodia pops, plenty of excuses and stories to not eat, and green tea, I'm going to do this. I promise myself.

My new Plan: 

Breakfast: Green Tea

Lunch: Goes in the bin (My mum makes me one to take to work everyday)

Dinner: (I now eat in my room, alone) Eat the low Call healthy stuff, if there is any, rest goes in the bin. (Cause not eating anything would just turn my stomach bloated like the African kids on TV)

Snack on: Hoodia Pops.

If I eat: Pruge then Cutt, Punishment.

Summers coming: Go running, jump rope, even walking.

And WHEN my mum finds the forms for the gym, I'll be down to 140 in no time.

Wish me luck guys. I'm gonna need it. xx

I do Apologise for not being more committed to writing. 

I've seem to hit a block in the road, I'm eating two whole meals a day, lunch that's over 500 calls and Dinner that's god knows how many, since my mother makes it and sulks when I don't eat it!! 

I'm still hovering between 10 and 11 stone on the scales, I feel sick at the thought, I need a serious kick up the ass, excuse the language. 

I need a diet I'm going to stick too, an exercise plan. 

I think if it wasn't for the support of other girls going through the same thing, I'd of given up by now, but no, I'm determined to get thin, I'll do anything to see that needle on the scales go down. 

I think I should reset my goals by now, since it's clear I'm not going to reach them. 

So I'm currently 154 

I know I have to stick to whatever diet I do, I can't afford to stay this fat any more, when the gym starts I should be able to burn off a small amount at least. 

Good news is that I'm doing a lot more walking with work, and running after little children with surely help. Plus I'm drinking a lot more water, and I've had one hoodia pop out of my 30 and I etl wonderful the next day, so that's something I have to get in the habit of. 

So as for the new diet, it's a matter of cutting down, I don't think I could ever 'fast' not for real. 

So in an attempt to cut down, here's my new plan, and please please, if I post another blog on my failure feel free to drop by house and give me a good talking to, seriously, do.

Breakfast is important, as we all know, to get the metabolism going, so a cup of coffee (that being my only drink with semi-skinned milk in) and some fibre of some sort, a cracker or something, will keep me going all morning, lunch time, I'll change from my 365 call sandwich to a piece of fruit, an Apple or Orange or Strawberries. As you may already know, I can't really control what I eat for Dinner as my Mum makes it, and is highly offended if I don't eat it, so my plan for that is; pick out the healthy foods and eat only them, I'm getting fuller faster these days, so it's not that hard, plus I've cut out snacks, back to the dinner problem, I can also get away with taking it to my room and throwing it away when no ones looking, flushing down the toilet and such, and as my last resort if I've had a big lunch I pretend to be asleep or actually sleep over dinner time, that somehow gets me off the hook. 

So I hope no more than 500 calls a day, something like the ABC diet where the calls are varied each day, I somehow wish I could but I get sick if I don't eat anything, if my sugar levels are low, all hell breaks loose. So limiting Calories and plenty of walking and going to the gym. That's it for now. Finally I found his blog http://esotericthin.blogspot.co.uk/ it's really inspired me, and I admire her ''stick to-it-ive ness'

I'd do Anything to have her body. <3 

Confusion

Hello, I've failed to post for quite sometime, work has got so busy, thank god I hardly have time to eat, so now I'm only eat one meal a day, and I've just received my order of 30 Hoodia pops, look them up, they do really work, one kept me going all day with only a cracker for lunch! x

It's funny though reading an Ana site, I read that to keep track of how much their loosing girls feel their wrists and collar bones?

I'm currently 152 (down from 154!) and I have freekishly tiny and bony wrists and I can really feel my collar/neckline bone, but I'm still fat as anything!!

I just don't understand it.

I got in a fuss before searching for a new bikini for summer and realising that I don't look at all like those models...will I ever? I'm panicking now, it's a month into my diet and I've lost next to nothing. I need help!

I've been looking up the Olsen Twins, I love them, and how thin they are!

I'll post a few thinspo pics of them below x

Thanks for reading x

Another tiny step

Today I managed to get the doctor to sign me up on a exercise and diet plan and it's free for me, Thank you NHS!!

So hopefully the exercise will help she lose some of this disgusting fat!

I noticed in the mirror I've definitely gotten bigger, around my face for sure, If I don't reach my goal for end of next month I will seriously consider punishment, I'll keep my little dagger of glass handy, just in case.

It seems that Ana's keeping very quiet too, especially today, though she only usually pops up when I look in the mirror, plus I've been around my boyfriend all day, I think she's somewhat scared of him, but boy she lays into me when he's gone.

Maybe it's weird to me she's like a bossy older sister, she's only hard on you, cause she wants you to be perfect and happy.

I'm still eating way too much, two meals a day, I've managed to cut out breakfast, but I'd rather be cutting out lunch and Dinner and eating something like fruit at breakfast. I must point out my love for fruit is most certainly a big help, but I'm so fussy over water, I won't drink it unless it's bottled and ''evian' with red on the bottle...I know I know, I'm fussy!

With that in mind, I forgot to mention one important thing. for me, atleast for now, there's no scales! yes you heard NO SCALES!!

I have bought a cute, and rather expensive, full outfit that's a UK size 8 as motivation and a reward for reaching my goal dress size, and I've bought some cheap second hand tops and jeans in sizes 12, 10 and an ambitious 6. Keeping in mind I'm currently a size 14-16. I'm using an outfit as a guide, a tip from a friend of my mum's, who's gone from a UK size 26 to 12!!

Anyway I bid you all Goodnight for now xx

Exercise

 My pro ana exercise intention is to first research and probably dosome daily walking, crunches and anything else I can find, I'm not exactly the fittest person in the world, in fact walking up stairs has me breathless, so I'll start slow and build up .. I think I'll workout in the morning... Before taking in any calories, of course... Just a bit of caffeine maybe...The secret to maximum fat-burning and accelerated weight loss is to exercise for at least an hour every morning, on an empty stomach... or so I hear. 


I'm actually dreading this part, as any exercise I attempt to do, I can mocked and laughed at by my parents, cause they know I'm hopeless at it...it doesn't help I must say.

Current Weight

My Current Weight is a disgusting 154 and I wear size 12/14/16 (UK) clothes!!

And this is what I look like now - makes me sick.

My Thinspiration

This is mostly for me, to keep me motivated and I start my diet, but feel free to use it too.